THE SNEEZE

Tiny Flying Insect

I wrote this poem more than 40 years ago. It’s been sitting in a box in the closet with many others; a collection of my youthful scribbling. In a turnabout from my usual format, I decided to share it with you today.

THE SNEEZE

A tiny flying insect speeds through the air

|And lands on the sleeping man’s nose.

He travels down to the very tip

To there the great wind blows.

The wind goes in and out of great caves;

He explores the reaches inside.

There’s a million tunnels and many more;

It’s a great place in which to hide.

But this wonder world is not meant for flies,

And the man is beginning to sneeze.

At first a twitch and then a snort,

Followed by a great big wheeze.

Short blasts of air rush into the caves,

The fly is swept off his feet.

And now the nose can hold no more,

The fly prepares for defeat.

It’s the end of the world for that little fly,

The walls of the cave start to shake.

He knows he can’t get out in time,

He’s caught in a great earthquake.

And then it comes: the winds rush

Out of the caves with astounding force.

Followed by a spray of water

From an unknown inward source.

The water droplets settle;

All is quiet once again.

The man continues his little nap

And dreams his dreams of great men.

Not knowing that a little fly

Lost his life in his nose.

Just because he had to sneeze

In the midst of a nice long doze.

*********************

Gout Wars

RED TOES AND RED TOE JOINT

I suffer from gout. Sometimes I feel as if my body has declared war on me. The battle is being waged in my big toe joint, with pain and inflammation and loss of movement. It can strike suddenly, most often in the middle of the night.

The first time it happened, I didn’t know what it was. My right toe joint was red, swollen and the size of a ping pong ball. Walking was impossible. Shoes didn’t fit. It was very painful.

I soon found the cause of my suffering. Gout is a form of arthritis that is caused by an excess of uric acid in the blood. The uric acid forms crystals in the joints which in turn cause the pain and inflammation. I had my blood tested. My uric acid level was only slightly about the normal upper limit, but it was enough to initiate an attack.

The disease has been called the Rich Man’s disease because it used to be a common affliction of the upper classes, who freely indulged in alcohol and meat consumption. Some of the more famous sufferers included Alexander the Great, Charlemagne, Henry the VIII and Nostradamus and Ben Franklin. The poor could not afford this rich diet and thus were spared.

I’m not a man, I’m not rich, I don’t indulge in alcohol and yet this affliction has found me. Only one in 10 sufferers are female. I feel as if I won a lottery without ever buying a ticket. How could this happen? I guess every person with health issues asks themselves the same question. I went on a quest for knowledge. I wanted to minimize my risk factors and seek natural remedies.

I was initially treated with Colchicine and Indomethacin. The symptoms quickly abated but I was concerned about the toxic effect these drugs would have on my liver. Some of the side effects (ie: severe diarrhoea) were almost as unpleasant as the disease.

With research on the internet I discovered that many of the foods I was eating put me at greater risk for a gout attack. I used to eat a lot of soy products such as tofu because they were supposed to minimize menopausal symptoms. I was on a health kick and ate plenty of spinach and legumes. All these were acid forming foods that can cause an attack. Processed foods with sugar and wheat flour are also taboo. It gets to the point where every food is suspect and each time I have an attack, I try to figure out what I ate to have caused it. The other night I indulged in Hummus, one of my favourite snacks. The next day my toe joint was aching slightly, reminding me of my indiscretion. Chick peas, a legume are not gout friendly.

Thankfully, my symptoms are under control at present. I usually get one or two attacks per year. Since I can recognize the early signs, I take action immediately, to prevent a full blown attack. I drink a lot of water and start on the medication. Cherries are an excellent natural remedy. I buy the dark cherry juice concentrate at the health food store and mix it with water and ice. Celery juice is also good for gout, especially if it is made fresh with a juicer. Some people take a bit of baking soda or sea salt in water to alleviate their symptoms but the excess soda can cause other side effects. We are constantly reminded that our bodies are magnificent machines that must remain balanced to maintain good health. Everything plays a part and affects everything else.

Aging is full of surprises. I’m all for peace, but I have declared war on gout. I have modified my diet and adjusted my habits. I avoid the big offenders, especially alcohol and meat. I focus on eating fruits and vegetables, brown rice and quinoa. I still enjoy my daily coffee and indulge in chocolate but limit the quantities.

I used to love buying high heels and step out in style. Now all my shoes are “gout friendly”. The heels are lower and the straps crossover to avoid the troublesome joint. Comfort is more important than fashion. (I can’t believe I said that..) Actually, pain or rather, the lack of it is a great motivator. I remember when the saying “Your mother wears army boots” used to be a common insult. But now, it all makes sense. The poor woman probably suffered from gout.

Volvo Va Va Varoom

VOLVO VA VA VROOM

I’ve been driving for 40 years and have never owned a foreign car. I listened to my dad when he warned me that they are expensive to buy and even more difficult to maintain.

Back in the early 1970’s when I was choosing my first car I really wanted a little red MGB but settled for a white Vega with black racing stripes. That car took 4 of us on our first trip to Florida without our parents. It came fully loaded with an 8-track player and huge speakers. We drove along the I-75 South with Black Sabbath and Chicago playing as loud as it would go. I’m sure we suffered hearing loss from that trip. My next car was a gold coloured Mustang with a large V-8 engine and a thirsty gas tank. As time went on, I graduated to a red Dodge Caravan. That minivan transported scores of hockey players and little leaguers to countless games and tournaments as Michael Jackson’s music blared from the tape deck. The rest of the cars and trucks blurred into obscurity until I moved to Alberta. I came under the spell of the Ford Explorer and have owned 3 of them in quick succession. I really liked the 4 wheel drive and the roomy interior. But nothing lasts forever. Our needs and preferences change as we go though life and the cars we drive reflect that change.

So last Saturday, with some prompting and encouragement from my son- in- law Neil, and my daughter Allison, I bought my first European car. It’s a Volvo XC70. My dad’s advice was good 40 years ago, but we live in a different world today. If he were here, I’m sure he would agree.

We started our search at the BMW dealership. At first I was still fixated on the SUV idea, but soon realized that I don’t really need all that power and towing capacity. We made notes to keep track of the vehicles I liked and moved on to the Audi dealer. We also walked past a few Mini’s but they were quickly eliminated since I am a lot of things, but “mini” is not one of them! There was also a Range Rover, but I wasn’t planning any African Safaris in the near future and I could have renamed it “Out of my Price Range Rover”. So we moved on to the Volkswagens. I sat in a few models and salivated at the CC in the showroom. It was luxury itself and very posh, but not practical for our Alberta winters. I could imagine myself cruising around in Monte Carlo with that gorgeous vehicle. On the downside, there wasn’t very much room in the back seat, as my son in law was quick to point out. I crossed it off the “wish list” and stopped day dreaming.

We never checked out the Mercedes because time was running out, but made one more stop at the Volvo dealership. I didn’t know what to expect. My only experience with the brand was being driven in a friend’s car many years ago. It was a solid, no frills little tank. What made a lasting impression at that time was it’s seat belts. It was the first time I had ever put on a seat belt, since most cars didn’t even have them in those days. Safety was always the top priority with the Volvo company.

We walked into the showroom and were greeted by a sweet young lady who immediately started telling us about the wonders of this car. My eyes glazed over as she went on about torque this and turbo that, but I decided to take it for a test drive. From the moment I sat behind the wheel, I was struck by the comfort and simple elegance of this car. The dashboard was easy to understand and the quality was evident in every feature. We drove along the slippery winter streets without any problems. The all-wheel drive made a smooth transition when needed and the little lights on the side view mirrors warned me when another car was approaching in my blind spot. The gas mileage is very good too. We should all be mindful of our consumption in this world of dwindling fuel resources. Our children and grandchildren will thank us some day. It was an excellent road test! I decided to buy it.

My adrenaline was up and my cheeks were flushed, but I was determined to make a good deal. The salesperson indicated that they don’t usually deviate very much from the sticker price. She said that negotiations were not part of the process in this dealership. She said they didn’t enter into the little “walking back and forth dance” that happens in other dealerships.

I ignored her comments and calmly offered her approximately 10% less than the list price. She looked a bit uncomfortable and then sought out the sales manager. He came out with a sombre demeanour and also stated their “no negotiation” policy. He even said that their price was set as low as possible.

I nodded and asked politely if he could improve on that price to “sweeten the deal”. He coughed and walked away. When he came back, he had lowered the price by about 5%. “Sweeter” yes, but not sweet enough for this determined lady. I could see them fidget and exchange glances as I asked for more options.

They both walked back into the office for a minute. It was a test of wills. There was a lot of walking back and forth in this dealership even though they told me initially that they didn’t use that approach to pricing.

I really liked that car, but I was ready to walk if they refused my request. When they came back the new price was 10% lower and I was satisfied.

I’m entering into a different phase of my life with many new beginnings just around the corner and I’ll be turning those corners with my European car. If you happen to see a tall blonde middle aged woman getting out of a Volvo at the Ikea give her a wave. It just might be me.